Hair Care and Stalkers
by Gwendolyn James
Summary: Draco and Hermione switch places for a week how could that not be funny? Includes much smacking, panicking, and groupie stalking. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I'm JK Rowling! I'm so rich and cool! I love writing fanfiction in my spare time when I'm not writing my amazing best-selling series! Yay! ;)

A/N: This one is dedicated to Rianna, who gave me the challenge, and to TeenTypist, one of my favorite authors, and author of one of the best Switched fics I've ever read!

* * *

"Filthy little Mudblood."

If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times. At first it was insulting – now it's just annoying. I mean, honestly, how hard can it be to come up with an original insult? He could at least invent two or three and just have them on rotation. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays can still be reserved for attacking my bloodlines, but Tuesdays and Thursdays could be used to attack my appearance, and he could even save the _really_ bad stuff for the weekends. It would be a welcome change.

Honestly, if I hear that word one more time, I'm going to knock Draco Malfoy into next week.

* * *

I need to come up with some better lines. I can tell that the old standby just isn't having the desired effect anymore. But dangit, it's _hard_ coming up with good material these days! Finding time to think of insults in between Quidditch practices, classes, keeping my hair that luscious shade of blonde, and being fawned over by slutty girls is _incredibly_ difficult.

The Mudblood (new offensive name in the works) just needs to stay out of my way until I come up with something better.

* * *

"Why don't you go crawl back under whatever rock you came from, Malfoy?" Hermione's eyes flashed with suppressed rage.

"That time of the month, Granger?" he sneered, apparently quite satisfied with himself.

She took a step closer and pointed her finger threateningly. "Don't mess with me, Malfoy."

"Oooh, I'm so scared! The little Mudblood is going to..."

SMACK.

Malfoy lay on the ground, his nose bleeding from the right hook Hermione had given him.

"Don't ever call me that again."

Malfoy held up a hand to stem the flow of blood and glared at Hermione, but before he could speak, another voice interrupted them.

"Miss Granger, Mister Malfoy – may I ask what is going on here?"

They looked up and saw Professor Dumbledore peering down at them from behind his half-moon spectacles. Hermione was the first to speak.

"Professor, Draco insulted me again and..."

"She hit me! Punched me right in the face!"

"Oh, shut up, Malfoy! You deserved it!"

"Did not! It was completely unprovoked!"

"You arrogant little..."

"ENOUGH!"

Hermione and Draco froze in surprise. Dumbledore was looking at them both, his eyes calculating.

"I'm sorry, Professor," Hermione apologized. Draco mumbled something from beside her that sounded somewhat repentant.

Dumbledore's eyes narrowed and he pulled out his wand from the pocket of his robes. "It seems that you two have been fighting an awful lot lately."

Hermione glared at Draco before slowly nodding.

"It would also seem that there is a simple solution."

Draco returned Hermione's glare. "What, detention?"

Dumbledore smiled. "No, no, Mister Malfoy. Not _that_ simple."

* * *

I can't believe he did this. I just can't believe it. I used to admire him. I used to aspire to be like him. But then he had to go and do something like this.

I'm shocked.

I'm appalled.

I'm utterly and completely mortified.

How am I going to get through this? How am I going to make it through an entire _week _as Draco Malfoy?

Crazy old man and his stupid switching spells.

* * *

I don't think this is legal. Crazy old fool. I always knew he was a crackpot.

And now look what he's done! He's gone and changed me into a _girl_! And not just _any_ girl, but the one girl I hate more than any other girl on the planet!

This is NOT going to be a good week.

* * *

Hermione and Draco stared at each other in astonishment.

Hermione was now Draco. Draco was now Hermione.

"This is beyond weird," Draco muttered as he looked down at his new girl body.

"You can say that again," Hermione whispered.

"Don't you dare start crying, Granger!" Draco hissed. "Malfoys don't cry!"

"Well, _I'm_ not a Malfoy, and I'll cry whenever I want!"

"Yes, you _are_ a Malfoy! At least, for today you are!"

Hermione glared at him. "Fine. So what you do propose we do about this? You heard Dumbledore! We're stuck like this until tomorrow morning!"

Draco frowned. "We'll just have to do our best. You'll have to work at it, though – I have a _very_ rough life, Granger."

She laughed, and Draco was momentarily taken aback by the sound – it was extremely odd watching himself _laugh_. He never laughed if he could help it.

"What's so funny?"

"_You_ have a _rough_ life?" she scoffed. "Oh, please! My life is _ten times_ harder than yours!"

"Oh, yeah? Wanna bet?"

"Yeah, I wanna bet! I'll bet you ten galleons that you won't last the first _day_ as me, Malfoy!"

* * *

Stupid prat. How dare he insinuate that my life is easy? I have a very full schedule! Studying, tutoring, studying, spending time with Ron and Harry, studying, Prefect duties, studying...

He's going to regret this.

* * *

She's going to regret this.

I can't believe she thinks that her life is harder than mine!

Although, I have to admit – that hair of hers is going to be a trial. Do you think she'd mind if I dyed it blonde? I make a terrible brunette.

* * *

Hermione made it all the way down to the Slytherin Common Room before she realized that she'd forgotten to ask Draco for the password. Oh well, she'd just have to wait until another Slytherin came by and let her in.

Twenty minutes passed until one of Draco's gorilla-like cronies – she couldn't remember which one – came downstairs. He gave her an odd look.

"Er... Draco? Whatcha doin' standing outside the entrance? Aren't you gonna go in?"

Well, now she felt extremely stupid. She tried to put on her best Draco Smirk. "I can stand anywhere I want to – I'm a _Malfoy_." Ugh, how appalling to have to say that.

Gorilla Boy just nodded sheepishly. "You're right. Sorry." He then turned to the wall and muttered the password. "Pureblood."

Oh, for the love of Merlin. They hadn't changed the password in four years? No wonder Draco suffered from a complete lack of originality.

Hermione followed Gorilla Boy into the Common Room and frowned at the emerald green décor. It was so dark and musty – completely depressing.

It's only for one week. Just one little bitty week. I can survive anything for a week, right?

If only Draco's friends weren't so stupid... how am I supposed to survive without one snippet of civilized conversation that doesn't contain grunts and bodily functions?

* * *

Draco glared at the Fat Lady. "Just let me in, you old hag!"

"Hermione? What's wrong?"

It was the Weasel. What was _he _doing here? Oh, right – he was one of Granger's best friends or something. Gross.

"Nothing's _wrong_, Wea – Ron," he corrected himself. Ew, why was the Weasel _looking_ at him like that?

* * *

She did _not_ tell me that the Weasel was her _boyfriend_! This is completely disgusting! I refuse to lower myself any farther! I will _not_ pretend to be in _love_ with that red-haired idiot!

I am going to kill her before this day is out.

* * *

"Draco, darling! Over here!"

It was that idiot Pansy. Hermione pasted the Draco Smirk on her face and strutted over to where Pansy and three other Slytherin girls were sitting.

"Oh, Draco! You're looking so pale today! Are you feeling well?" one of them crooned.

Pale? Of course she was looking pale! Draco was as white as an albino polar bear, for crying out loud!

Hermione could feel the Draco Smirk turning into the Draco Sneer. "I'm feeling _fine_, thanks."

Pansy giggled, but it ended up coming out as more of a snort. "You _always_ look fine to _me_, Drakey darling!"

If Pansy didn't watch out, Hermione was going to throw up all over her. Were these girls complete idiots, or did they _really_ think Draco was attractive? How revolting.

Hermione strengthened the Draco Smirk and ran a hand through her hair. Oh, good gods! _Why_ was her hair so blasted _sticky_?

* * *

I can't believe that blonde moron uses so many hair-care products. This is sickening. Gel, mousse, spray, _dye_? Heaven forbid he act like a _guy_.

I wonder what would happen if I just let this hair go au natural.

* * *

Draco spent the entire evening trying to defend himself from the Weasel's advances. What was _with_ him? Why did he always want to hold hands and... and... oh, Merlin save him... _cuddle_? If that idiot tried one more thing, Draco was going to murder him in cold blood.

"Hermione, do you want to go for a walk?"

"_No_, I do _not_ want to go for a _walk_," Draco sneered. He didn't think he could take much more of this. The Weasel was giving him that pathetic puppy dog look again – it was utterly repulsive.

"But, Hermione, we _always_ go for a walk after dinner."

"I don't care what we always do. I don't want to go for a walk." Why couldn't he take a hint?

"Are you mad at me?"

"Yes, I'm mad! I'm having a terrible day! My hair looks like a bird's nest, my fingernails are all bitten down to the quick, and my stomach is killing me! So just leave me alone already!" Draco jumped up and stormed into to the girls' dormitory.

* * *

I have to do something about this hair. I refuse to spend a week looking like a mass of angry French poodles are caught in my hair. It's horrifying. How does she _live_ like this?

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to fix myself up a bit. I mean, if I'm going to be a girl for a week, I might as well be an _attractive_ girl.

* * *

"What have you _done_ to me?" Hermione groaned as she passed him in a deserted hallway.

"How hard is it to keep up the dye job, Granger?" Draco hissed back. "I can see my roots, for the love of Merlin! There's a box under my bed labeled 'Hair Care' – try opening it, won't you?" He frowned. "And for your information, I didn't _do_ anything to you. I merely straightened and highlighted your hair – _my_ hair now, thanks – and I think it looks much better."

If looks could kill... "I'll make a deal with you. You leave my hair _alone_, and I'll keep up with your precious dye job, alright?"

Draco scowled. He really didn't want to go through a whole week with that bush on his head, but on the other hand... "Fine. But I want my hair to be a perfect platinum _every_ day, Granger, do you hear me?"

* * *

He's so annoying. What kind of guy actually cares that much about his stupid _hair?_

And what is with all those annoying Slytherin girls following me around all day long? I can't get a spare moment to myself! It's always, "Draco, you're so handsome," and "Your hair looks so sleek today, Drakey-poo," and "I can't _wait_ for our date on Friday, Draco darling!"

It's awful. I don't know how he's getting away with dating so many girls at once.

Well, he may not get away with it for much longer.

* * *

"Hermione, you've been acting very odd lately."

Draco wanted to scream. The Weasel had been following him around for the past two days, and Draco was sick of it. "Go away, Ron." It was extremely difficult to call him by his first name, but Draco somehow managed. "You're driving me crazy."

Uh oh, the Weasel looked angry. "Fine, then! If I'm driving you crazy, just go get_ another_ boyfriend!"

"Good idea! At least another boyfriend won't hang all over me like some love-sick puppy!" This was fun. He might even make the Weasel cry, and that was something to look forward to.

* * *

"You did _what_?!?!?" Hermione shrieked.

"Shut up, Granger!" Draco hissed. "Do you want the whole school to hear?"

Her face was beet red as she bit out her next words. "I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You."

"Oh, come on, Granger. The Weasel was annoying anyway. You don't need him."

"Yes, I do!" she growled. "You had _no right_ to break up with him! You could have endured it for four more days!"

"No, I couldn't!" Draco whined. "He was driving me mad! He always wanted to cuddle and hold hands – good gods! I'd hate to imagine what he'd want to do if he managed to take me on one of those blasted _walks_ of his!"

Hermione pulled out her wand and pointed it directly at his heart. "Either you get Ron back for me, or I'll make sure that every Slytherin girl knows that you're not as... shall we say... _gifted_ as they may think?"

* * *

Evil. She's completely evil. If I didn't hate her so much, I might actually be impressed.

Unfortunately, there's no way out of this. I have to make the Weasel like me again or else I'll be the laughingstock of the school, and we certainly can't have that. I have a reputation to uphold.

* * *

Pansy was stalking her. That was the only explanation.

Hermione ducked behind a suit of armor and watched as that pug-faced dimwit darted down the corridor, calling out, "Draco! Drakey! Where are you?"

Hermione hadn't had a single moment of silence since she became a boy. It was extremely annoying. Pansy would _not_ leave her alone, even for a minute! It was a miracle she even got to use the toilet by herself.

She looked out from her hiding place and cursed her bad luck – Pansy was coming straight at her.

"Draco! Why are you hiding? We have a date in Hogsmeade today! Hurry up, everyone's leaving!"

Drat. There was no escaping her now.

* * *

I want to die. No, scratch that – I want _him_ to die.

I just spend an _unbearable_ three hours with Pansy "If I Only Had a Brain" Parkinson. I swear, if I hear "You're so handsome, Draco" one more time, I'll scream. How does he stand it? Why would anyone want to be fawned over for hours on end? It's completely insufferable!

And unfortunately, it's not just Pansy. Oh no. No, no, no. I also spend the past three hours being harassed by Millicent "Freak of Nature" Bulstrode, who could beat the tar out of me without even breaking a sweat. I swear she's on steroids. Anyway, Millicent followed Pansy and me around Hogsmeade, making rude comments and basically threatening me if I didn't take her out next week. Luckily for me, I'll be back to normal by that time and Draco "I Have a Death Wish" Malfoy will have to deal with that psychopath.

* * *

Draco swallowed the bile that was building up in his throat. "Ron, we need to talk."

The Weasel looked up and frowned. "I don't want to talk, Hermione."

Draco _would_ have left it at that, but unless he wanted the Muddy Bloody (name still in the works) to spill the beans, he had to suck it up and actually _flirt_ with his sworn enemy.

Draco tried to sway his hips seductively, but he was pretty sure he just ended up looking like a baby giraffe trying to walk for the first time. The Weasel was giving him a weird look, so he went back to his usual sauntering gait. "Come on, Ron, let's just talk for a little bit." Oh, this was so nauseating.

The Weasel shrugged and scooted over on the sofa, so Draco sat down next to him – as far away as possible without actually _looking_ like he was far away. "I'm... I'm..." This was so humiliating. "I'm sorry about the other day." Oh, good gods.

"I'm sorry too," The Weasel mumbled. "Forgive me?"

Draco tried extremely hard not to make a face. "Forgiven."

* * *

Oh. Holy. Night. There is NO WAY that I'm going to let that freckle-faced freak kiss me! NO BLOODY WAY!

* * *

"So, did you do it?"

Draco scowled. "Do what?"

"DRACO MALFOY!"

"Shut up, Granger! What if someone heard you?" he hissed. "Yes, alright? I did it! You and your precious Weasel Boy are back together, and at the end of tomorrow you can get back to shagging him senseless."

SMACK.

* * *

I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns.

But Ron and I are back together, so I might be able to forgive him.

Might.

Although, I'm really starting to enjoy hitting him. He's an easy bleeder.

* * *

I hate her sooooooooooooo much!

She's so mean! Why does she have to keep hitting me? One little bitty insinuation and she goes all mental! Sheesh!

And I can't help it if I bleed easily! It's a medical condition, alright?

* * *

"Draco! Drakey darling!"

Hermione rolled her eyes before turning around. "What do you want, Pansy?"

"I'm ready for our date, Drakey-poo! You didn't forget, did you?"

If only. "No, I didn't forget, but I'm really busy right now. Maybe another time?"

"But, Draco!" the pug squealed. "I'm wearing my _sexy_ knickers!"

* * *

Holy overshare.

I can NOT believe she said that! It's a good thing I started running before I lost my lunch. Made it to the toilets just in time to empty the contents of my stomach.

WHAT does he SEE in that lunatic? She's completely insane! I swear she would have followed me into the bathroom if I hadn't locked the door behind me and put a chair up against the doorknob!

I think I hate her as much as I hate _him_. Maybe more, if that's even possible.

* * *

"I hate you."

"I hate you more."

"Good, it's settled then." Hermione scowled as they marched down the corridor to Dumbledore's office. "I'm just so glad it's the last day. I hate being you."

"I hate being you _more_."

"Oh, shut up and try being original for once, you stupid ferret!"

Draco glared at her. "All this bushy hair is squelching my personality, Mudblood!"

SMACK.

"STOP HITTING ME, YOU LUNATIC!"

"STOP CALLING ME 'MUDBLOOD', YOU JERK!"

"FINE! I'LL CALL YOU SOMETHING BETTER, YOU B—"

The door swung open, effectively cutting off the tirade. Professor Dumbledore stepped out with a smile. "I suspected you two would come and see me."

Hermione crossed her arms and frowned. "We want to be switched back, Professor."

Draco nodded. "_Now_, if you don't mind."

Dumbledore just smiled and motioned them into his office. They followed, glaring at each other every step of the way.

* * *

That crazy old man had _better_ switch us back. I'm going to kill someone if I have to be Draco Malfoy for one more day. Although, on the bright side, if anyone's going to die, it's going to be Draco, and at this point, that wouldn't be so bad. I hate being him. How does he stand it? Always having to be so concerned about your looks, being stalked by maniacal groupies... I can't _wait_ to be me again. Being me is so much easier.

* * *

Oh, I can't _wait_ to be me again! No more skirts, no more _boys_ trying to kiss me, no more of this stupid hair! I can be blonde again! I've missed my hair care products so much! It's been an incredibly rough week! How does she stand it? Always having to study, being stalked by that red-headed loser... being me is so much easier.

* * *

"That'll be ten galleons, Albus."

"Oh, come now, Minerva. I do believe that this was a draw."

"Definitely not! I won, fair and square. Malfoy caved – I told you he wouldn't last the week without crying like a little girl."

"Ah, but Miss Granger gave in as well – they were both begging me to change them back."

"Fine. It's a draw then. But I'll beat you next time."

"Next time?"

"Oh yes. What do you say we try this again? How about... shall we say... Severus and Sybill?"

"Mmmm, yes. That _does_ sound intriguing. I'm quite sure Severus will be the first one to give in."

"Oh, I don't think so! Sybill wouldn't survive the first day!"

"Shall we bet on it? Ten galleons, would you say?"

"It's a deal."

* * *

A/N: So, what did you think? I had so much fun with this one... I love abusing Draco! And no, I'm not a D/Hr shipper - that's just gross. ;) So please press that little bitty review button and make my day! 


End file.
